*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
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Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
When he asks for feet pics
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
c’mon!
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.