Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
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due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?