If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
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If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I have never related to anyone more.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.