Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
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When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Poetry is my passion