When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
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“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
So we got a goldfish…
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.