HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
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A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Overindulged this afternoon.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now