[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
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“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?