[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
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‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!