Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
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I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Who.
Did.
This?
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?