king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
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That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
The Assassin.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT