I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
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Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
looks legit
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.