My apartment is a mess, I should move
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Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?