Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
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Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
the icebreaker
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”