*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
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Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.