People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
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horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here