your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
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i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Fiction has to make sense.