ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
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I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
*offers Batman cough drops*
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark