Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
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Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”