Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
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My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I finally found a reason to live again.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.