Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
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My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
2 years later
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?