“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
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All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep