Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
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Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.