Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
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Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I just ran a .003048K
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Breaking news:
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?