me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
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*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
My dream job is getting paid to dream
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?