Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
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Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Merica.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.