[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
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[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
absolutely not
Worst perfume name ever.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.