One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
You Might Also Like
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.