What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
You Might Also Like
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.