I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
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I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Just how popey was the pope today?
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
look at me when i’m typing to you
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Worst bar ever.
What a year we’ve had this week.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.