I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
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Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.