Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
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*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.