Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
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My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Lmbo
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake