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Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”