me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
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Most fashion shows these days…
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”