I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
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I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
i choose….tongue
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.