why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
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Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
gm
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.