I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
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Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.