I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
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no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Canada has crack?
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
My neck my back my allergy attack
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…