The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Body by cheese-puffs.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?