My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
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Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing