Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
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me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.