[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
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My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
How to make infinite energy.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭