I’ll be mad as hell!
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I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.