My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
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Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Sorry not sorry.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
My new favorite headline
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.