cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
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£13k, Slough
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”