Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
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I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Rooting for the overdog
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.