VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
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Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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