listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
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My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them