Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
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The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.