*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
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Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
knights of the ikea table
Found the job I’m suited for
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.